Multiplicity
by Devy-Artemis
Summary: The winning entry for Sparkle and Snark-full twi-humor contest.Bella wakes up one morning… to a crowd of Edwards.Read at your own risk.Rated M for some sexual situations, minor violence, and complete insanity. Happens somewhere around Twilight.
1. Chapter 1

_****__This story was written originally as a one-shot entry for the _

**The Sparkle and Snark-full Twilight Humor Contest**

_By **Pastiche Pen**_

_****__It was the THE CO-WINNER, along with Duskwatcher's Smell of the Tourists.  
_

* * *

**Disclaimer**: I don't own twilight or any of its characters. If I did, I'd add a little bit of crack in it just for shits n giggles. :P

**Warning:** A very stupid and pointless attempt at humor. So go ahead at your own risk. Also, beware of some sexual situations, minor violence, and complete insanity.

**A/N: **I'm rewriting and continuing it finally. It won't be long, just a short novella of sorts. I'll update it when my head feels wonky enough to write crack. Like I said, it's a crackfic, so there'll be plenty of crazy shit happening. But there's also a lesson for Bella to learn. So let's see if she can learn it.

**Also, this story happens somewhere after New Moon and before Eclipse. The characters are canon, or at least I tried to keep 'em canon enough. Of course, some OOC happenings take place, but their approaches are essentially the same as canon.**

* * *

I opened my eyes slowly, rubbing the sleepiness away.

Yet another cloudy day greeted me, with the faint glow of the morning light filling the room.

Something seemed odd today.

No, nothing was different: my bed was the same, the clouds in the sky were the same, and Forks was the same. But it felt different.

Maybe it felt strange to me because Edward wasn't with me last night. Of course, I didn't sleep well, which was why I still felt drowsy.

I squinted as I looked out the window. The same old wall of green trees stood in front me.

I sighed, remembering the events of last night...

_Edward sat on his knees at the edge of my bed._

_"Bella, you don't understand. I have a part of me that thirsts for your blood. It's a very dangerous part," he said, running a hand through his beautiful bronze mane._

_He was his usual pensive self, full of self-loathing._

_"I understand and love every part of you, Edward," I replied promptly, and then bent down to kiss him._

_He gave me a light peck on lips, leaving me unsatisfied again. I pouted, and that made him smile a little._

_I so wished that I could make him smile forever._

_"When will you be back?" I asked, already feeling sad that he was leaving for his hunting trip._

_"As soon as I can, love." He gave me his typical crooked smile._

_I smiled in return, but it was a forced one._

_"All right, I think I'll be back by tomorrow morning," he answered finally, and gave me a much fuller kiss on the lips._

_And then, like always, he jumped out of my window and disappeared in the night._

I moved away from the window, feeling content with the fact that he would be back soon.

I decided to take a long, relaxing shower in the meantime. Sundays always gave me the extra time to get ready a bit languidly.

As I picked up my bag of toiletries, a flash of movement at the window caught my eye. Before I could turn my head to see what was happening, I was jostled back on to my bed.

Shocked, I tried to scream, but a cold hand covered my mouth quickly. _A cold hand… Oh!_

Then the glorious scent hit me, and I relaxed.

Edward had caught me in a tight grip and was hovering over me. I would have been glad by this action, if only I hadn't seen his face.

He courted a murderous expression, and his eyes were… black.

I gulped.

"Er, didn't get any mountain lions this time?" I tried to distract him, but his eyes weren't even looking into mine. He was looking at my neck._Oh… Oh, my God! _

As he dipped his head towards my jugular, I started struggling. What was wrong with him? He had been in perfect control last night!

And then suddenly, he was no longer on top of me. I breathed a sigh of relief; he had found his control just in time.

But then, a loud bang at the other end of the room alerted me.

I sat up quickly, and at first, I couldn't even understand what I was witnessing.

I contemplated insanity—my own, not Edward's—for it could only be my overactive imagination, nothing else.

They were fighting, right in front of me, and they were fighting for me.

One wanted my blood, and the other wanted to protect me, and I feared for them both. I loved them both. Both Edwards…

"Oh no! Don't clutter the room!"

My eyes bulged as I heard the familiar velvet voice from the window. I turned and gasped.

Yet another Edward. _What. The. Hell?_

My jaw dropped as I watched the third Edward climb into my room. He grabbed the two fighting Edwards and pushed them out of the window.

Loud thuds resounded from below and then the sounds of fighting intensified.

"As I thought," the third Edward groaned. "Look how they scattered your books on the floor! Now I'll have to catalogue them and put them on their shelf."

I stared at him, too shocked to say anything. Maybe I was hallucinating; maybe it was just a dream.

Three Edwards had visited me this morning, and all of them were very comfortable around each other. They weren't shocked to see their look-alikes.

Right, I was going crazy.

Perhaps, I needed to get myself together, to take nice long shower and then come back.

There wouldn't be three Edwards around my house then. There would only be one Edward, the Edward I loved.

I left my bed in a hurry and dashed for the bathroom, leaving the third Edward with my books.

As I pulled my tattered nightshirt off, I heard a knock on my bathroom door. I creaked it open slightly to find Edward holding my bag of bathroom essentials.

"You left it in the bedroom." He smiled softly at me, and my heart melted away immediately.

"Thank you, Edward. I thought you were too busy with my books to notice," I joked as I took the bag from him.

"Oh no, that's not me. That one is still in your room, putting your books inside the shelf, in alphabetic order," he replied.

I blinked.

He kept smiling.

I shut the door on his face.

This was getting worse. I guessed I needed to see Carlisle… soon.

So I closed my mind and tried to stop thinking about my madness. This wasn't real, this was my brain turning to Jello.

I took all my clothes off and stepped into the shower. I was banking on the shower to calm my nerves and bring back my sanity.

I soaped and shampooed slowly as my hands felt shaky.

As I rinsed off my hair beneath the warm spray, I got an odd feeling, a feeling that I was being watched.

Panicking, I rinsed quickly and opened my eyes.

A loud shriek erupted from my throat as I saw Edward standing at the edge of the shower curtains, staring shamelessly at me.

"Edward!" I squeaked, grappling for the towel.

He stood firm, his eyes raking across my body, my naked body! Oh! Oh…

I wrapped the towel around myself quickly, but I knew that he had seen too much, much sooner than I would've liked.

"What the hell, Edward? What are you doing in here?" I barked at him, my voice shaky.

"Watching you," he replied unabashedly.

"What?!"

"You're so beautiful, Bella. I could watch you for an eternity," he said, looking unfazed by my reaction.

"Edward! I was showering! What gave you the authority of ogling me in my shower?" My whole frame shook with anger.

"I like watching you." His face seemed innocent and diabolical all at the same time. "You're very fascinating… when you shower."

"I thought I could at least trust you with this. I left my door open because I never dreamt that you'd barge in on me!" I glowered at him.

"I didn't barge in, I was just looking from a vantage point."

"Right!" I muttered angrily.

I plodded past him, out of the bathroom.

"I just like watching you, Bella. It's the other one that you should be bothered about," he said, trotting behind me.

"The other one?" I whirled around to face him. "Who?"

He just smiled and leaned on the wall.

A series of bangs and thuds emanated from the hall below. I leaned over the stairs to see what the noise was all about.

To my horror, two Edwards were fighting, again, in my living room. Shit!

"Get out of here, you two!" another Edward shouted from the kitchen. "I'm making her breakfast!"

"Oh no! You'll clutter the living room as well!" The book-stacking Edward flashed past me and tried to dislodge the fighting Edwards from the living room.

I just blinked, too numb to form any coherent thought.

"I need to get dressed," I announced to myself.

I turned around and found the bathroom Edward still ogling me.

I didn't even bother to chastise him this time. I went straight to my room and locked the door, hoping that he wouldn't break in just to watch me.

_Oh God,_ I prayed silently, closing my eyes and leaning against the door frame. _Help me, for I don't know what in the holiness is happening here..._


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: Meyer owns 'em.

* * *

I turned towards my closet and then gasped aloud.

"Oh!" My hands covered my mouth, as I stared ahead in horror.

Edward was standing at my closet, _wearing my clothes_. Of course, they didn't fit him; they stretched across his frame in a hideous way.

"What are you doing here?" This had become my pet question now.

"I like to see myself from a woman's point of view. I know how women think, and I'm happy I finally got the opportunity to do this," he replied, looking rather proud of himself.

I staggered over to my bed and slumped there.

This couldn't be real, this was beyond crazy now, beyond anything actually. And I didn't even own very feminine clothes at that.

"Edward, get out of my closet, now!" I tried to keep my voice even, but it came out too high pitched and croaky.

He raised his hands and gave one long parting look to my closet. With a sigh, he left through my door.

I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. It would have calmed me, if a sniffing sound next to me hadn't startled me.

Dreading what I would see, I didn't even turn my face in the direction of the odd sound.

"I'm bad for you, Bella," the sniffling Edward said. I could recognize Edward's velvet voice anywhere.

"Why are you bringing this up now?" I asked in an irritated tone. Like it was really the perfect time to discuss his issues with our relationship.

"I am telling you the obvious, Bella. Stay away from me," he said, sniffling again. "The monster wants to kill you, the voyeur doesn't respect you, and—"

"What are you trying to say?" I shut him up mid-way.

"We are all same, but we are all different from each other."

I turned around to face him. He was sobbing rather loudly now. No, there were no tears in his eyes, but I could see that he was crying.

_Oh boy, Edward was sobbing like a girly girl._

"I… don't understand, Edward," I whispered, feeling too worn out to talk normally.

And then yet another Edward climbed through my window. It was a crowd now.

"They," he pointed downwards and waved at the crying Edward, "and I, we're all parts of one person—Edward. We're the different manifestations of Edward."

I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion. _Parts of the same Edward?_

What was all this? Some kind of prank?

No, how can anyone produce the same Edward again and again. The same beautiful creature cannot be copied!

"And what part are you?" I asked the Edward-at-my-window, keeping with his gig.

He rubbed his chin in thought and then spoke with sparkling eyes. "You can call me The Scholarly Edward, or the Scientific Edward."

"More like Nerdward," I said dismissively.

"And what about me?" asked the crying Edward. "I should be called the Bad Edward, or the Undeserving-of-Bella-Edward."

"I'd call you Emoward." I stroked his beautiful unruly hair. I was beginning to get sucked into this madness.

"So," I asked, turning towards Nerdward, "how did you all get separated from each other? I mean, how did Edward manage to divide himself?"

"We got hit by two lightening strikes at the same time," he replied.

"Huh?" I couldn't even picture that.

Edward got struck by lightening? And if that wasn't enough, by two strikes at the same time? Was he, like, carrying my bad luck with himself these days?

"The lightening divided us into the many facets of Edward," the Nerdward stated. "I wonder if the legends about dividing lightening strikes were true after all."

"If the legends about vampires and werewolves can be true, then why not lightening?" I asked sarcastically.

A brief thought about the movie, _The Prestige_, came to my mind. _Dang, Nikola Tesla!_

"Now, how to put you all back together?" I asked, rather to myself.

"I'm working on that part." The Nerdward nodded at me.

"Have you talked to Carlisle?"

"No," he answered, "I don't want to share my discovery."

I glared at him.

He didn't flinch at all.

This was going to get ugly.

"Now," I snapped at both of them, "will you guys please excuse me? I need to get dressed."

They left my room as soon as I said that.

I closed my door and locked it; the window too. I was suddenly feeling a lack of personal space with so many Edwards running around my house.

Thank God Charlie had gone fishing today. He would've had a stroke if he saw any of this.

I quickly put on a tank top and searched for my favourite sweatpants. But they weren't in my closet anymore. They were gone, gone with Crossdressward.

I searched for something else to wear, and found a pair of shorts. I put them on without another look.

I hurried down the stairs to see exactly how horrible this situation was. I didn't even know the exact number Edwards that were here.

But my bad luck was with me at this moment, I realized, as I stubbed my toe on the handrail.

"Ow!" I yelped in pain.

In no time, an Edward was at my side—I didn't know which one it was—gingerly checking my throbbing toe.

"Does it hurt?" he asked, moving his fingers deftly, wiggling my toe up and down.

He was observing my toe for any kind of serious injury. He looked a lot like Carlisle, with deep concentration on his face.

"Are you Docward?"

He looked at me with a wary expression. "I asked you about your toe, Bella, and you're trying to make a joke of it. You have no sense of self preservation," he scolded.

_Yup, definitely Docward._

"Bella," he continued, looking exasperated, "are you in pain?"

"Nope," I said, and quickly got up. My toe throbbed, but it was nothing compared to my previous exploits in clumsyland.

Docward held my arm as we descended down the stairs.

There, in the living room, six different Edwards were waiting for me.

I recognized Voyeurward—the one who peeped at me in the shower—he was leering at me, standing at the foot of the stairs.

Emoward was sitting in a corner, sobbing like before. And he was being bullied by another Edward, who looked mighty pissed.

This Edward reminded of the times when Edward was furious at something.

So this was Rageward.

"Cry, you little baby!" Rageward roared at Emoward. "I bet you have no other pastime!" And then he punched Emoward.

I gaped at them.

On their right sat Nerdward, reading today's paper, paying no attention to them at all.

Rageward punched Emoward again, and Emoward cried some more. I started in their direction, but Docward stopped me.

"No, Bella," he warmed me, "you'd get hurt. Let them be. It's the usual for them."

I sighed reluctantly and gave up, even as Rageward started thrashing Emoward unrelentingly. Docward was firm on not letting me intervene.

"At least, get someone to stop them," I said, flinching at the cries of Emoward.

"I'll do that." Docward left my side and went to remove Rageward. He took a hold of him and dragged him outside.

Emoward rubbed his eyes and kept on weeping. He sounded worse than howling dogs.

In an attempt to distract myself from him, I looked around the living for the rest of Edwards.

One Edward was cleaning the carpet, muttering about the dirt everywhere. He was the same Edward, I realized, who was stacking my books in order.

I christened him as OCDward.

Another Edward was sitting on the lounge, humming to himself and moving his fingers in the air, like he was playing the piano.

Musicward it was, I guess.

And then the seventh one appeared from the kitchen.

"Bella, your breakfast is ready," he said, reaching for my hand. I let him guide me to the table, where a freshly cooked meal was waiting for me. Cheese omelette.

Great, so it was Chefward at my service.

"Where are the rest of them?" I asked Chefward, as he handed me a fork.

"The monster is fighting with the protector," he responded with a resigned look.

I nodded, as though I understood everything. Monsterward was fighting with Guardianward. _Right…_

"Who's winning?"

"The protector, I assume."

I acted all nonchalant about it, as if we were discussing a ballgame.

"The others are here as well." Chefward smiled at me.

I tried to smile back, but it probably resembled an anime toon smile—fake and overdone.

I ate my breakfast in a hurry. My appetite had been knocked down, and I wouldn't have eaten at all, but Chefward insisted.

"Will you guys please get the others inside the house? I don't want anyone seeing all this," I pleaded to Chefward.

Voyeurward was standing in the kitchen doorway now. He gave me a nod.

"I'll do it, love," he said sweetly. And I found my anger with him melt away.

Bad, very bad indeed.

I skulked out of the dining room and moved to the living room, while Chefward and Voyeurward discussed the strategy of collecting the rest of them.

Musicward made room for me as I sat beside him on the lounge.

"Making another lullaby?" I asked him lightly, as though this was a normal conversation on a normal day.

But then again, I was in love with a vampire, and nothing was normal about _that_.

He nodded and turned his face towards me to give me a brilliant grin. That left me wondering again; how could someone so beautiful, so perfect, ever be replicated?

"Would you like to watch some T.V?" I asked the various Edwards who occupied my living room. They shook their heads.

And then the weight on the lounge shifted.

Yet another Edward sat beside me. He wasn't Voyeurward, I was sure of that. Voyeurward, along with Chefward, had gone out to collect the rest of Edwards.

I almost laughed aloud at silliness of everything that was happening here. Each Edward here was a part of the Edward I loved.

I'd never felt uncomfortable with Edward, and it was so ironic for me to feel weird with his various moods, separated from each other.

Was I more comfortable with certain Edwards and not with the rest?

Moreover, how the hell was I supposed to get them back together into one man?

As I was trying to understand the meaning behind this strange separation of Edwards, the Edward beside me scooted closer to me.

He snaked his arms around my waist and pulled me closer.

"What are you thinking about, love?" he whispered in my ear, and that sent shivers down my spine.

He kept pulling me closer and closer, until I was sitting right in his lap.

"I… was wondering which part of Edward are you?" I asked him in a wavering voice. _Damn, I was losing my focus!_

I heard him laugh behind me.

"Shall I show you, instead of telling you?" he murmured, as his hands moved my hair aside to expose my neck.

"Show me?" I tried to keep myself on track, as his lips planted lingering kisses on my neck and shoulders. "How?"

I felt his lips twitching upward. "I'm already doing it, love."

_Huh?_

I tried to rake my brain for clues, but I was unable to find any. What was his speciality? What part of Edward was he manifesting here?

His hands slipped under my tank top; and my breathing hitched.

Suddenly, the main door burst open and four different Edwards walked inside.

One of them groaned loudly and then trained his eyes on me, looking like a ravenous… monster. A beautiful monster at that.

It was Monsterward, the great.

Monsterward lunged for me. The one next to him grabbed him and yanked him away. Must be Guardianward.

The others just stared at me as I climbed out of God-knows-what-ward's lap.

I removed myself from the living room, feeling a rush of unpleasant emotions as I saw one Edward spar with another.

The Edward in whose lap I was sitting seemed least bothered about the commotion inside the living room.

Perhaps, he was Romanticward, as he was focused on me only.

He followed me as I climbed up the stairs in despair. I decided to ignore him for time being. This wasn't the perfect time for snuggling.

I wondered how many Edwards actually were there… how many hidden facets did my vampire boyfriend have?

But the burning question was how to get him in one piece again. I needed help, and I needed it pronto.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer**: Meyer owns Twilight, I don't... I could have done all this crazy shit with the characters in published canon then.

* * *

As I headed over to my room, I saw one Edward kneeling by my bathroom door.

Feeling curious, I approached him.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

And then I saw the various bottles of Lysol and bleach and what not.

This had to be OCDward. But I just saw him cleaning the living room carpet a while back.

How could he be in here so soon? Weird.

"I'm cleaning your bathroom, it's so damn dirty!" he muttered irately. He was leaning over the floor tiles, cleaning them furiously with a toothbrush. _A goddamn toothbrush!_

Yes, OCDward indeed.

I huffed, feeling offended. "I clean this bathroom everyday! How dare you, Edward?"

"I'm stating my observation. It _is_ dirty when it looks dirty!"

"What in the—"

I was in the middle of my rant, when Romanticward came up to me and held my waist.

"Leave him alone, love," he whispered, "He gets self-satisfaction and approval by doing such things."

He pulled me away from OCDward and towed me to my bedroom. Wow, was he aggressive!

Something was amiss with this Edward—Romanticward—whatever.

I removed myself from him as soon as we walked into my room.

Weird shouting noises were coming from down below, and I dashed to my window to see what was going on.

One Edward was trying to drag another Edward out of his Volvo, now parked in the back of my house.

"I'm not leaving! I told you!" shouted the Edward inside the Volvo. "Let me be, I'm not leaving my car. This is my baby!"

"Oh please, Edward! This is a car, just a _car_!" the other Edward tried to argue.

Romanticward crept up behind me and began kissing my back. And I suddenly felt like ignoring the rest of them.

"It's not just a car!" the Volvo Edward yelled, "It's my batmobile!"

"Yeah, right! A soccer-mom batmobile, that is!"

"Don't insult my baby! It's dependable and safe!"

"Not my words, it's what the Forks high kids call it. Now let the beast rest. Bella asked me bring you inside the house." The other Edward tried to yank the Volvoward out of the Volvo, but Volvoward didn't budge.

"I'm not coming out!"

"I'll scratch its damn paintjob if you don't come with me!"

As much as I wanted to enjoy Romanticward's touch, the verbal duelling below my window had me distracted.

"Please tell them not to fight," I requested, turning around to face him.

"They'll take care of themselves," he assured. "And I'll take care of you."

The seductive tone of his voice was like a siren song for me, hard to resist.

"All this fighting, just for an ordinary human girl, a very foolish girl at that."

This definitely sounded like another Edward. I turned around back to my window, to see for myself.

The third Edward was standing away from the Volvo, looking cocky and carefree.

"You should just leave Bella. We don't belong with humans," he stated plainly to the fighting Edwards, who weren't listening to him anyway.

His words offended me. If he was a part of my Edward, then it meant that some part of Edward did think of me as a foolish human girl.

I was instantaneously furious!

"Don't mind him." Romanticward pulled me to him once again. "He always says mean things to everyone. Always the nasty one."

"And your Volvo is a piece of junk," Nastyward—as I now named him—told the Volvoward. "Jacob Black's rabbit can outdo it any day."

Volvoward growled at him.

"And you, stupid vampire, cooking up meals for Bella. Have you ever given a thought to it? It's so ridiculous!" Nastyward laughed at the other Edward—Chefward, I realized.

"See?" Romanticward said, "I told you he's nasty. It's a good thing that no one listens to him."

His hands were moving inside my tank again… upwards this time.

"Oh," I exclaimed in surprise, as my ass encountered something hard. He was… _hard_. I could feel him through the barrier of my shorts and his jeans.

_Holy crow!_

Yet another Edward made an appearance at my window, but I was too distracted to care, with Romanticward's hands creeping in my tank.

"At last, when all the summer shine  
That warmed life's early hours is past,  
Your loving fingers seek for mine  
And hold them close—at last—at last!."

My eyes refocused on the Edward at my window. He was reciting poetry to me.

"Not oft the robin comes to build  
Its nest upon the leafless bough  
By autumn robbed, by winter chilled,—  
But you, dear heart, you love me now."

It was a love poem. So if this Edward was reciting a poem to me, then he should be Romanticward.

But then which part of Edward was this, the one holding me in his grasp?

"Er, Edward, wait a sec here." I pushed his hands out of my top, with much effort. "I think I need to make a call."

"Here," he retrieved his silver cell phone and gave it to me. "Make the call from my phone."

It was clear; he didn't want me to leave the room. _Lord, help me!_

I dialled the number that appeared first in his phonebook. It was Alice.

She picked it up on the first ring.

"Hello, Bella. How are you doing?" she greeted me, sounding chipper.

"Alice!" I hissed, "Do you have any idea what's going on here?!"

The poetry reciting Edward chose this moment to continue.

"Though there are shadows on my brow  
And furrows on my cheek, in truth,  
The marks where Time's remorseless plough  
Broke up the blooming sward of Youth,—"

"Shut up!" I yelled at him.

He pouted sullenly, but thankfully, he listened to me.

"Bella? What's going on?" Alice responded on the other side, sounding alarmed. "I swear I have no idea! Tell me!"

I slouched on my bed and divulged every detail of my encounter with the various Edwards. I nearly had a fit of verbal diarrhoea explaining everything.

And the touchy-feely Edward was at my side again, running his hands over my bare legs. As much as I craved his touch, it was very inappropriate at this moment.

"Alice, please come up here and help me," I practically begged her. "All of this looks like a scary movie."

"I'll bring Emmett and Jasper with me, don't worry, Bella."

I cut the call off and exhaled in temporary relief. At least, I wasn't alone in this madness now.

"Mmmhh Bella…" I heard my favourite velvet voice in my ear. It had a certain edge of desperation to it.

I turned around and faced him, only to get pulled against him again. This time, he didn't let me protest.

He locked his lips with mine, and I was one fire. On instinct, I kissed him back with fervour, fearing that he'd pull back, but he didn't.

Instead, he nudged me towards the centre of my bed, and lodged himself between my legs. His arousal pressed into me, and my nether regions came alive.

I heaved myself and pushed my hips against his.

Picking up my response, he started moving in a rocking motion, pushing into me again and again. My eyes rolled back and closed shut, while a desperate whimper escaped my lips.

This was so unlike Edward. I never imagined that he would be so forward with me, so brazen. But I wasn't complaining, for it felt good. Boy, it felt amazing!

His hands moved up my torso and then cupped my breasts through my top.

I gasped, and opened my eyes, just in time to witness yet another Edward climbing through my window.

It was Voyeurward; his eyes twinkled with excitement upon looking at me.

"Oh, so he found you," he said, pointing at the Edward who was groping me. "He's the one I was talking about. Can't keep his hands off you."

Oh, so this groping Edward was… _Hornyward_.

My eyes widened as I understood the meaning of Hornyward's ambiguous words. He was showing me what he was, by groping me!

I pulled my lips away, trying to halt this heavy petting session.

Hornyward rubbed his thumbs across my nipples, and I forgot what I was about to say. "Ugh, E-Edward…" I barely managed sputter.

I could hear the sounds of renewed fighting from below my window.

Guardianward and Monsterward had started battling again. But I was beyond caring, as Hornyward's deliberate touches inhibited my thought process.

"This should be an even match, but I'm hoping that the protector wins," he murmured, his lips now exploring my clavicle, "I'll get more time with you then."

I didn't respond, I was too far gone for any kind of coherent response.

His hands moved inside my top, towards my back, and quickly undid my bra. Then he pushed the bra aside and caressed my bare breasts.

And my world exploded!

Voyeurward came forth and sat near my bed, watching me intently as Hornyward played with me. He really was a voyeur.

Behind him, the real Romanticward started his adoring recital again.

"Lay Your Sleeping head, my love,  
Human on my faithless arm:  
Time and fevers burn away  
Individual beauty…"

A soft moan escaped my lips as Hornyward's fingers paid special attention to my nipples.

We had never crossed this boundary before, ever! I was beginning to wonder if he'd take this further. Was I opposed to it? No… _Hell no!_

"But in my arms till break of day  
Let the living creature lie,  
Mortal, guilty, but to me  
The entirely beautiful…"

Hornyward removed himself from between my legs and moved to my right. He claimed my lips again, while his right hand left my upper torso and slipped beneath the waistband of my shorts.

"Soul and body have no bounds:  
To lovers as they lie upon  
Her tolerant enchanted slope  
In their ordinary swoon,  
Grave the vision Venus sends  
Of supernatural sympathy…"

This was so wrong, but I didn't want him to stop. So I didn't utter a single note of objection.

His hand continued its southward journey, gliding into my panties.

"Universal love and hope;  
While an abstract insight wakes  
Among the glaciers and the rocks  
The hermit's carnal ecstasy…"

The presence of other Edwards felt weird, but it only worked to arouse me further. I guess I had a twisted, kinky side of my own.

I didn't get any time focus myself enough to think about what was happening, as his fingers began caressing my nether regions.

I was reduced to a quivering mess, awaiting my dive of a mind-blowing orgasm.

His other hand was still on my left breast, playing with my nipple.

I was in heaven. Yes, carnal ecstasy was the right word; this Romanticward was good.

"Certainty, fidelity  
On the stroke of midnight pass  
Like vibrations of a bell  
And fashionable madmen raise  
Their pedantic boring cry:  
Every farthing of the cost…"

As if it were possible, the heaven got more heavenly as a finger slipped inside me.

I looked at my left, and Voyeurward was now leaning above my left side, his eyes glowing like wild flames.

I had no idea where Romanticward was, but his recital continued.

"All the dreaded cards foretell.  
Shall be paid, but from this night  
Not a whisper, not a thought.  
Not a kiss nor look be lost…"

Wow, this looked like an exhibitionist's dream come true.

Hornyward's magic fingers touched places unknown to me, the pleasure troves. But I was still locked in Voyeurward's eyes.

I reached for his hand and pulled him to me. Yes, I had discarded my last shred of sanity. All I sought now was pleasure.

I grabbed Voyeurward's hand and shoved it inside my top.

"_Yes!_" I hissed in pleasure, as Voyeurward gave me his own doze of pleasure. His hands explored the rest of my body, while Hornyward made an addition of a finger inside me.

"Beauty, midnight, vision dies:  
Let the winds of dawn that blow  
Softly round your dreaming head  
Such a day of welcome show  
Eye and knocking heart may bless…"

I don't know who did it, but my top was now pulled aside, riding high over my neck. Both my lovers were now kissing down a path that led straight to my nipples.

They were in sync. Edward was never out of sync, even in divided forms.

"Find our mortal world enough;  
Noons of dryness find you fed  
By the involuntary powers,  
Nights of insult let you pass  
Watched by every human love…"

Both Edwards licked and sucked on my taut peaks. My hands gripped their wild bronze locks, urging them on.

Hornyward pumped his fingers in and out.

Voyeurward slipped a hand in my shorts and pressed my clit.

And Oh! I reached such a high of pleasure that even Mount Everest looked puny.

My mouth was hanging open, and my screams of pleasure seemed oddly removed from my body.

The Edwards didn't stop, and I didn't mind at all.

I was swimming in a sea of ecstasy!

"Holy mother of God!" a familiar, booming voice suddenly permeated my conscience.

And abruptly, I was thrown back on earth with loud thud.

* * *

**Notes**:

In case you're wondering what poems was Romanticward reciting during Bella's *ahem* adventures with the other two Edwards. Here they are-

THE FIRST POEM** - AT LAST** by Elizabeth Akers Allen

THE SECOND POEM** - LULLABY **by W. H. Auden


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer**: Meyer owns Twilight, I don't... otherwise I'd have done some major improvements on Edward and Bella.

**A/N:** For those who have read the previously written one-shot -this chapter is brand new and unseen. heh...

* * *

I jerked my head up—my legs still spread apart, with Edwards' fingers still inside my shorts—and saw the three Cullens standing in my doorway.

"Oh!" I screamed, and pulled my tank down.

I tried to sit up, but the two Edwards weren't moving aside.

Alice, Jasper and Emmett stared at me, their faces holding a mix of horror and amusement.

"That's my girl!" Emmett was the first respond, much to my embarrassment. "Way to take advantage of the situation, Bella! You're a genius!"

"Ugh, Edward, please release me!" I pushed at both of them, but they weren't moving an inch.

"I am not done with you yet," said Hornyward, licking his lips hungrily.

"I love watching you writhe in pleasure." Voyeurward nodded at me.

I turned beetroot red, as I heard Emmett's laughter. God, I would never be able to face him again.

"Get away from her!" Alice told the two Edwards sternly, as she walked up to my bed. "Bella, are you okay?"

"Okay?" Emmett hollered from behind her, "She's a frickin' demo for post-orgasmic glow!"

I struggled against the Edwards again, but they had me pinned down on the bed.

"Get the hell off me!" I yelled with frustration.

I started kicking my legs, my breath coming out in heavy pants now.

"Move! Get away! Emmett is watching you, you fools! Everyone is watching!"

I thrashed about wildly, like a seizure had gripped me.

Alice smacked on their heads then, effectively breaking their hornball spell.

"God, I know we wanted you to break out of your repressed Victorian shell, but this is so out of line, Edward! Just leave her be, now!" she cried, pushing both of them off me with a flick of her hand.

Wonderwoman was real afterall.

Jasper and Emmett had left by the time I clambered off my bed, much to my relief.

I suppose they were downstairs, trying to administer some control over the multi-Edward chaos.

And Alice shunted all the Edwards off from my room, for which I was immensely grateful.

I righted my clothing, blushing furiously as Alice closed the door and came to stand beside me.

"I'm so sorry, Alice, I'm really, really sorry," I began chanting, hoping to explain the reason behind my sudden carnal explorations.

But she nodded at me and raised a hand to shush me.

She didn't look annoyed, but I was so damn mortified that an apology looked the appropriate thing to offer.

"Bella," she said in her perfect tinkly voice, "I understand. I'm trying to get a hang of it. And I don't blame you. You're free to explore all sides to your boyfriend."

She winked at me, and I groaned in despair. If only I could take it all back.

The embarrassment was just too much, especially considering the fact that I was going to live with it for an eternity.

I knew Emmett would relish to keep reminding me of it some way or the other.

"No one will tease you for it, I promise. Happy now?" Alice beamed at me, stroking my hair in a gentle manner.

I sighed and gave her a resigned nod, knowing full well that Emmett would was not the one to leave even a single opportunity to rib me.

"So, Edward got hit by lightening and is now running around in multiples. Oh boy!" she exhaled exaggeratedly, "We need to find a way to put him back together."

"Like Humpty Dumpty?" I asked sarcastically.

"I think it'll be tougher than that, Bella."

I suddenly shuddered at the possibility of Edward never being put together again.

It was… not possible. How would he cope? And how would we all deal with it?

I certainly couldn't have all of them—the various multiples of Edward—over at my home.

Charlie would either have a stroke or a heart attack. I couldn't let that happen.

Plus, if he didn't coalesce back into his old self again, how would we manage such a phenomenon for an eternity?

It was a scary prospect, even though it did have its rare benefits, as the two Edwards had just demonstrated to me a few minutes back.

"Why didn't you see it all happening, Alice?" I demanded suddenly, knowing that she could have prevented this bizarre occurrence of lightening strikes.

"Because my visions essentially work on decisions," she replied coolly, "and Edward didn't exactly decide to commit suicide by lightening strike."

"Oh." I felt like an idiot now.

A firm knock at my door alerted both of us.

I looked at Alice, to get a hint for… something?

Her face scrunched up in an odd way, as though she was suffering from a headache.

"I can't see these Edwards clearly," she muttered, closing her eyes and rubbing her forehead. "I think it's one of them at the door."

"Ah yes, I'm the Nerdward, as Bella calls me fondly," came back the reply from outside.

I let him in, because it didn't feel like he had any intent of fornicating with me.

Not that he didn't look as devastatingly handsome as Edward, the compact one.

"I'm interested in solving this issue of getting us back together," he stated firmly, as though he was ready for a business deal of sorts.

"You should be interested," Alice replied grimly, "if you want to survive."

He scoffed at her, and that caused her to narrow her eyes.

I cowered away from her, because a pissed Alice could be very intimidating.

"I surely will help with my postulates," he continued, "but I want the credit for this discovery."

Alice stared at him blankly for was second, surprised I believe.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" she growled at him. Yes, growled.

He seemed unfazed, which made me anxious for the nerdy side of my vampire boyfriend.

I did love that part of him… too much for it to be shredded to pieces.

If Alice ripped his head off, Edward wouldn't retain any of the scientific deliberations he had made during the past century.

That, considering that he would be put together at long last.

"Your obscene vocabulary is very unbecoming," he told her in a patronizing tone, which made her angrier still. "Especially considering that you're—"

"Shut your trap, Edward," she warned, her hands already twitching. "Don't make me bite your head off."

In fear of my Nerdward's safety, I scrambled between the two of them and tried to cool things down.

"Hey you both, fighting will do no good. We're short on time here, because Charlie will be back by evening. So we better regroup and find out a solution. What say?"

That defused some of the tension inside the room.

So as per my humble request, everyone regrouped in my living room, excluding a bunch of rowdy Edwards who were packed off to the Cullens' home.

A bunch of saner looking Edwards were sitting on the floor, facing Jasper like a group of pupils ready for their lecture.

From what I could gauge, Monsterward was gone, along with Volvoward, OCDward, Crossdressward, Rageward and Emoward.

I could see that Hornyward was still here, and so was Voyeurward, both eyeing me hawkishly.

I shuddered in plain, brazen lust.

What the hell was wrong with me? Edward needed my help in this time of crisis and all I was thinking of was jumping his bones.

I was truly deplorable.

Jasper caught my eye then, and I realized that he knew exactly what I was feeling.

I turned several shades of red, which in turn made him even more uncomfortable.

"Carlisle is coming over, Esme and Rosalie are staying back at the house, guarding Edward—I mean the horde of Edwards," Emmett cracked, his usual cheery self despite the tense situation.

He did have the talent of lightening up tense situations, and I welcomed his jesting this time.

"Can they really keep a watch over them?" I asked, worried that the more violent Edwards might harm the women.

"We've sent over a few saner ones from this lot," Jasper replied, waving towards the multitudes of Edwards sitting in front of him. "They'll take care of the situation."

"Don't worry, Bella, your toy-boys are all here." Emmett gave me an impish smile, and I wanted to bury myself under the rug.

"So what do we do until Carlisle reaches here?" Alice enquired, deflecting the spotlight away from me.

I thanked her silently.

"We try and think of a solution?" Jasper put forth, sounding quite unsure himself.

"I think Nerdward might have some ideas…" I raised my hand to point at Mr. Nerdy, but it just hung in the air like my words, because I couldn't figure out which one was him amongst the several Edwards there.

"_Will the real nerd nerdy please stand up?_" Emmett spoke in his best rendition of Eminem, making everyone cringe. "_I repeat, will the real nerd nerdy please stand up?_"

"Cut it, Emmett," Alice scolded, her pointy shoe heels tapping impatiently on the floor.

Thankfully, Nerdward raised his hand and ended the confusion.

But before he could open his mouth to speak, a warning growl erupted from Alice, which may or may not have contained a few choice words for him.

I believe it did, for Nerdward suddenly looked apprehensive.

_Oh no, not again._

I wanted to hear Nerdward's postulate as to how we should put Edward together, uninterrupted.

"Oh, Carlisle's coming," Alice blurted abruptly, bouncing a little in the corner armchair.

"I could predict that myself," scoffed Emmett, rolling his eyes at her.

Right at that moment Jasper stood up and unlocked the front door for Carlisle's benefit.

He strode inside quickly, his blonde hair all unruly, much like Edward's usual do.

Carlisle looked troubled, understandably, as his eyes surveyed the room.

"Oh Edward," he cried in true fatherly vein, "what have you done to yourself."

"Technically, I, or _we_, I should say, weren't the ones to do it," said Nerdward wryly, "it was the lightening. A twin strike, to be precise."

As if possible, Carlisle appeared paler than before.

We soon filled him in as he settled on my lounge beside Emmett and Jasper.

I kind of skulked to the corner and made myself comfortable on Alice's side, placing myself on the arm of the chair.

It suddenly struck me how crowded my living room actually looked. I don't think it had ever been packed like this before.

"Perhaps, it's like polarization," Nerdward suggested, seeming all calm and collected as if he wasn't discussing his own future. "If we repeat the process that caused it in the first place, then maybe…"

I felt my head nodding at his supposition, hanging onto each of his words like they were God's own.

Belief… sometimes belief was everything.

"Let's try it then," Emmett, ever the eager one, called out. "What are we waiting for? Christmas?"

"Easy, boy." Jasper thumped on his shoulder. "First, we need to figure out how to get 'em together at one location. And then there's the issue of twin lightening strikes, which isn't really something we can catch hold of like fireflies."

"Wait," I interrupted, brimming with an idea. "Alice can predict them. Right?"

I looked at Alice, hoping for an affirmation of sorts.

She appeared… doubtful?"

Ah, that couldn't be good.

"I can't really say, Bella."

My face fell, so did Carlisle's.

"Maybe if we raised them enough, their height will do the trick." Nerdward was back at his theorizing. "Lightening strikes the highest, most conductive object."

"But lightening doesn't strike twice at the same place," Jasper muttered, shaking his head in what seemed like frustration.

As if to confirm Jasper's mood, my frustration levels suddenly rose out of the blue, when I was actually beginning to feel a bit of hope.

"Contrary to popular belief, lightening does strike repeatedly at some places," Nerdward countered, courting a cocky grin. "Especially the higher placed conductive objects."

_Oh, I see._

Science was never my cup of tea.

And Nerdward seemed quite confident of what he said, so I found myself trusting his postulate immediately.

"Let's get them huddled together in an open surface." Emmett seemed to be a bit too eager now. I guess he was curious to see what might happen.

But this wasn't some random experiment, it was a desperate attempt at putting Edward together again.

And… it was going to be painful, I realized suddenly.

A double lightening strike… oh God!

Blood drained from my face as I contemplated the pain Edward would have to suffer.

If I given a choice, I would have rejected this means of coalescing him, but alas, I didn't have one.

My positive attitude slipped slowly, turning into despair as I contemplated the severity of the pain Edward would have to suffer.

And it wasn't just me who was concerned about him. The whole room went silent for a while, all faces growing strained with worry.

The expression 'Fuck our lives!' was so damn appropriate right now that I almost blurted it out loud.

* * *

**I hope I didn't offend any physics enthusiasts out there. :P**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer**: Meyer owns Twilight, I don't... otherwise I'd have made it a crack story.

* * *

I was fuming and cursing internally as we all sat in my living room, discussing the probable solution to Edward's problem of multitudes.

Which could potentially hurt him. A lot.

Jasper began fidgeting, looking at me accusingly.

"Pain," I sputtered, "he will be in pain. Lightning is a painful phenomenon to bear, at least from what I've heard and read and seen."

I wanted to add '_Insert sarcasm here_' but stopped at the last moment.

Alice gave me a curious look.

Bless the psychos—I mean—psychics…

_Damn Freudian slip._

"Oh," Jasper finally exhaled in understanding. "Yeah, that."

The room grew tense, and I began to feel claustrophobic.

"Are you all as tough as a vampire?" I asked the Edwards, "I mean, can you all handle the pain induced by a lightning strike? Can vampires even handle lightning?"

Questions, questions and more questions…

A round of murmurs and 'hmms' and 'ahs' followed, but no answers.

I briefly considered the level of my patience at this moment. It wasn't very high.

With the load of stress that was weighing me down, I was certain my brain would probably resemble a gooey mush by the end of this episode.

That is, if there _was_ an end to it.

_Gah_… I guess I was badly in need of a 'positive thinking' speech.

I wondered if Carlisle had access to Deepak Chopra.

"I think we're the same as Edward, only divided in form," Nerdward offered, breaking into my wayward thoughts about a date with Deepak Chopra. "But only one of us can actually read minds at the moment, I suppose."

That piece of information was new to me.

"Oh?" I wondered aloud in surprise. "Which one?"

"This one," he waved at one of them, and honestly, I wasn't sure I had interacted with him.

It was all still very confusing.

So I just acted as though I knew who was the mind-reader Edward.

"Okay, can we just… I don't know, get a formal introduction thing with all the Edwards here?" I asked hesitantly, as each of those Edwards turned their stares in my direction.

Dealing with one staring Edward was a tough task, just imagine my state with an army of them doing the same.

_Unnerved_ was probably an understatement.

Thankfully, Carlisle understood what I was requesting.

He ushered the various Edwards to disclose what part of united Edward they represented.

Hmm… the expression 'United Edward' was sounding more like 'United States,' which would have been hilarious if not for this grim situation.

"Hi, I'm Nerdward," Nerdy announced rather cheerfully.

The rest followed. It was awkward.

"I don't know how to say this, but I represent Edward's sexually frustrated side." Oh damn, Hornyward!

"I am the curious side of Edward. Anything Bella does, I find fascinating. She thinks I'm a voyeur, so I must be."

_A-W-K-W-A-R-D_

"I am the mind-reader, and I request Emmett to stop thinking about what happened upstairs with Bella and others."

I could have died right them, I was so mortified.

Carlisle was surprised to hear this, of course, and he looked at Emmett in a questioning way.

_Please, God, no more!_

Thankfully, the rest of the lot continued on its own, reverting Carlisle's attention.

"I am the funny side of Edward. Bella must be itching to christen me as Humorward." He chuckled aloud.

"Then I must be Bookwormward, because I love to read. Just like Bella. Of course, I've read more."

"I don't know what I am, but I really don't like Bella being with anyone else but me. It makes me want to punch everyone else she talks to."

"Let me name you!" Emmett interrupted, raising his hand like a kid. "You're Jealousward, dude. Hands down!"

Another Edward waved at me, ignoring Emmett's banter.

"I'm Docward, as Bella called me." He gave me a small smile, which warmed my heart.

Of course, I returned it.

"I don't know who I am, but all this jesting from Emmett is irritating me. I really don't appreciate how some people in this room are making fun of my—our situation."

This Edward confused me, more than any other, because he gave off a vague vibe.

"Have we interacted?" I asked him, trying to place his trait.

He looked… hurt by my question?

"Just because I have been pulled apart from the rest of me, it does not mean that I have become a stranger, Bella. We all remember who you are, and we all remember each of our interactions. Even the monster remembers you, and he knows that it's forbidden to be near you. I don't think you feel the same way about me when I'm scattered like this. And you certainly don't understand all my facets. But I can assure you that I love you the same."

His long-winded explanation hit me like a slap in my face.

I had hurt his feelings… so very unintentionally.

"Edward… I…" I couldn't speak, because I had nothing to say in my defence.

"Can we cut the melodrama, please?" Emmett rolled his eyes. "Give the girl a break, you Grouseward, she's been dealing with all your crazy sides since morning, and that too without much complaint, unlike you. So suck it up and try to be useful here."

"Grouseward? Really, Emmett?" Jasper asked, his face looking like a weird mix of pissed-hurt-amused.

If I didn't know better, I'd have thought Jasper a crack addict.

"She always says she understands me, all of me, and accepts me," Grouseward—as Emmett had christened him—whined. "But all she has done so far is handing bizarre monikers to my various aspects and treated me like a wretch. Not to mention taking advantage of certain less responsible parts of me."

I gasped at his accusation, cowering further into my corner of the room.

Had I actually been that mean to him? And… what the hell did he mean by that last sentence?

My eyes clouded with tears, prompting me to look down in order to hide my mortification.

I briefly noticed Alice moving from beside me and flitting across toward the crowd of Edwards.

All of a sudden, a series of scuffling noises erupted inside the room.

I peeked from under my lashes, catching a glimpse of Alice… whoa!... jostling Grouseward—I think—out of the house.

Once outside, she picked up the flailing, kicking Edward and shoved him into Carlisle's Mercedes.

I watched everything from the living room window, tears forgotten.

"If you so much as scratch the car, I'm pulling you apart with my bare hands, understand!" she screeched at him, so sharply that I had to cover my ears.

"I'm taking this one home!" she hollered at us, clambering inside the car.

Emmett gave her a dramatic salute, while Jasper smirked.

I just gaped.

When Alice was gone, it was Carlisle who finally brought the conversation back on track.

I slumped back in my corner seat and listened to the rest of the discussion.

"Alice still can't see an outcome," Jasper explained, still courting an amused expression. "I can't say if this experiment of Nerdy will be any good."

"That's because lightning is impulsive," Emmett said sarcastically, "it doesn't _decide_ to strike at a place, it just does. Right, Jazz?"

Jasper gave him an annoyed look, but nodded still.

"But, Alice _can_ predict the weather, right?" I butted in, finally getting a hang what they were talking about.

Wait, was I repeating myself here? Insert a good ole 'head-scratch' here.

"Yes, she mostly can, but the process is slower compared to lightning," Carlisle supplied, smiling apologetically at me. "Relax, Bella, we will find a way out."

Bless the man.

"Yeah, but I'm not very thrilled about Edward getting electrocuted." My voice quivered a little as I said that.

Carlisle nodded at me and turned towards Nerdward. "Do you suppose that there is any other way to unite you all? This, as Bella is afraid and so am I, sure is a very painful procedure of conveying you."

And to think that we actually weren't sure that it would work…

"I don't think any other attempt would work," Nerdward explained, his face serious. "It will be painful, yes, but I'm pretty certain that it will work. The polarization has to be reversed, just like with light, is what I think will bring us back together."

"Light, as in refraction?" I asked, trying not to sound dumb.

"Yes." He gave me tight smile. "I thought you weren't into science."

"I'm not," I clarified with a shrug. "Perhaps I'm pushing my limits because it concerns you."

Nerdy's smile broadened, making my heart pump louder in my chest.

"You can stop making googly eyes at each other now," Emmett quipped, breaking the spell.

Nerdy just chuckled in response.

"But how are we going to keep all the Edwards together as a unit, that is, until the lightning strikes?" Jasper asked, looking worried despite Emmett's cracks, understandably so.

"Tie them together and then hang them from a crane?" Emmett replied half-jokingly, "Nah, the lightning will just hit the crane first, I think. That would dilute its effect, eh Nerdy?"

Nerdward nodded, raking a hand through his hair in typical Edward fashion.

I think I sighed a little at the demo of that little trait of his.

"I want ideas," Nerdward exclaimed anxiously, "give me some good ideas. All of you, just think a little seriously about it. Getting us hit together is the focal point of this experiment."

I did not like the way he said 'Experiment.'

Although I did understand what he was demanding from us.

"That's the main issue," I agreed, feeling extremely tired all of a sudden. "How to get the all Edwards together, and that too in a heap, so that their overall height is greater than any other object in the vicinity."

Everyone remained silent for a while.

Had I inadvertently made a science faux pas of some sort?

"Eureka!" Emmett shouted then, making me jump with the boom of his voice. "Bella, honey, you've just given us the answer yourself. Heap! In a _heap_! We'd just stack them up on one another and make an Edward tower. They will remain connected to the ground, and they will have the required height."

"Yes, Emmett's right, Bella," Nerdward stated with an amazed expression. "It would work! You found us a solution!"

Right then, he got up and darted towards me.

I yelped in surprise as he picked me up in his arms and planted a sweet, affectionate kiss on my lips.

The only problem was… I returned it in an uber horny way.

_Damn hormones!_

Just then, as Nerdward was twirling me in his arms, Jasper's phone vibrated.

He fished it out and read the text he had received.

"It's Alice." He smiled, looking at me and Nerdward, and then at Carlisle. "She says it's going to work."

I silently thanked God. Finally, it looked as if we might just be able get Edward together again.

Now, the only problem was… waiting for a thunderstorm to brew in the area.

* * *

**I hope my crack is working...  
**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer**: Meyer owns Twilight, I don't... I just amuse myself by dissecting Edward. muahaha!

_**I must thank everyone who reviewed, because I cannot reply to them at the mo. It's a miracle that I'm updating at all, considering how little time I get for writing these days. But I promise to you all, I will update soon. :)**_

* * *

I was sitting at my reading table, riffling through the scrapbook that was gifted to me by Renée.

I had to rearrange the all photographs in it after Edward had returned his part of them to me.

Needless to say, I was a pissed nostalgic.

"Hey…"

"Gah!" I started, dropping my scrapbook on the floor as I turned around.

Edward—no, some manifestation of Edward had snuck into my room again, just like the usual set-up we used to have before this splitting fiasco.

His hands came to rest gingerly on my midriff as his lips approached mine.

My surprise manifested in a staggered gasp as he settled for a full-on French kiss, while I was only prepared for an elementary level chaste lip lock.

It wasn't unwelcome. At all.

I responded in earnest, twirling my tongue around his, really ecstatic to be finally well acquainted with it.

Something in his approach was familiar…

I mentally smacked myself.

Of course, something was familiar! He _was_ a part of Edward—my boyfriend!

_Vampire_ boyfriend, but that's an old and lame forgone conclusion here, isn't it?

The cold tickling on my stomach alerted me to the fact that he had slipped his hands inside my Tee.

It felt nice, yes, but it also reminded of more pressing matters that needed my attention.

"Edward," I breathed, abruptly detaching my lips from his, "Charlie's sleeping downstairs. I think we need to stop."

He gave me an incredulous look, and then made a face—which looked quite adorable on him, to be honest.

"I forget that I cannot listen to his thoughts," he muttered, letting go of me. "It's so weird to not have counter-suggestive forces at work. I would have been coerced into repression by now."

I tried to act as though I understood his monologue, but it was truly difficult not to look puzzled.

He picked up my scrapbook and handed it back to me, looking a little contrite.

I so dearly wanted to ask him who he was, or what _'ward_ he was, but I refrained.

Hurting his feelings again was not my intention, be it any part of him.

I waited for him to say something, but he just went on to sit on my bed, quiet as a… well, vampire.

How very creative of me.

I shuffled around for a few minutes, returning my scrapbook back to its place in my desk drawer, nervously rearranging the books on top of it.

"Stop fidgeting, Bella."

Damnit, was I that obvious?

"So, umm, how is everything going?" I tried to chitchat, and it looked like a really dumb attempt. "How are the rest of… you holding up at the Cullens'?"

"We're good, mostly packed like sardines inside the basement," he muttered, staring at my still fidgeting hands.

"Why basement?"

"Because it's risky to let us loose anywhere else. That way, no one will know. Only a few of us can get out, the better behaved ones, that is."

"I'm glad that the rest were taken away from here." Otherwise, I feared for Charlie's sanity, and the resultant loss of it.

"You're _glad_?" he asked, sounding astonished.

_Uh, oh._

"No! I mean, it's better this way," I backpedalled, "because Charlie wouldn't have taken it well."

I really needed to know which Edward I was interacting with, because I didn't want to step onto a landmine of sorts.

"Oh, yes," he seemed to agree finally. "It's such a nuisance. I hope we get united as soon as possible. I'm tired of feeling so… void."

I nodded empathetically.

What else could I do, anyway? I felt so useless, sometimes.

I didn't even know how to comfort a person, not even my own boyfriend.

Part of my boyfriend, that is.

"Well, not always a nuisance, I should add," he said as an after thought.

"I don't understand," I said, wondering if this was some loopy part of Edward.

He motioned for me to join him on the bed, and so I did.

"Edward, can I ask you something?" I started cautiously, so as to avoid any misunderstanding.

"Why so formal, Bella?" he chuckled, drawing me closer.

"All right, so what manifestation of united Edward are you representing?"

Ugh, it still sounded legally proper and formal, so much that I felt a little queasy.

Who says such completely unsexy things to their boyfriend?

I shall earnestly raise my hand. Every time the question is circulated.

"Hey," he spoke again, reaching for my tightly clutched hands.

I looked into his eyes, waiting for him to add something to his 'Hey.'

It also didn't escape me that he was trying to dodge my question.

"This isn't how I wanted this conversation to go," he sighed, rubbing my wrists in lazy patterns. "I actually came here to tell you something."

"What is would that 'something' be?" I tried to sound cool and nonchalant, as if I couldn't feel the anticipation in his voice.

"I happened to eavesdrop on a conversation that Emmett and Jasper were having… about you, about _us_."

"And?" I prompted, giving away my curiosity and nerves.

Emmett and Jasper talking about Edward and me was bound to make me nervous.

"They were just, you know, talking about… what happened in your bedroom this morning."

Edward watched me with guarded eyes as I assimilated his words.

And… I wanted to jump from my bedroom window, because self-mortification didn't get any better than this.

I chanced a glance at the window; it wasn't that far away. Just two steps…

"You're blushing," Edward commented, looking curiously at my burning cheeks.

_Thank you, captain obvious._

"And I'm not feeling the need to kill you."

"What?" I really, truly wished that I could hear his thoughts for a change, because his constant hedging was beginning to annoy me.

I, getting annoyed at Edward. Who had thunk?

"I mean, there's no bloodlust with me. I feel—How do I say it?—Free? Liberated? Reprieved?" he explained finally, to my relief.

I silently deliberated over his words as he sat alongside me, still holding my hands in his.

"You mean all the bloodlust is sitting with Monsterward now?" I asked to clarify. "And you're like… just a normal, human guy?"

I should have deduced it by now! Of course, he wouldn't feel the bloodlust!

That part exclusively belonged to Monsterward.

"Monsterward?" His brows rose dramatically, almost into his mane.

"Yes, but that's not important here. You mean, you are not uncomfortable by my scent as we speak?" I asked, completely thrown.

He nodded slowly, and then came forth to inhale my scent, I assume, by burying his nose into my neck.

Such a simple act, and I was already floating adrift with my wayward, highly inappropriate thoughts.

After inhaling many a lungful of my scent, he moved back and nodded, a smile drawing up his lips.

"So, what were they, I mean, Jasper and Emmett, talking about?" I shifted nervously, leaning against the headboard.

He shrugged noncommittally, as though still debating whether to tell me about it or not.

_Hmm… not good, not good_, my mind chanted.

"That this whole situation that we are in…" He gesticulated dramatically with his hands, looking like an orchestra conductor. "…can be made into an opportunity."

My resultant expression must have relayed my confusion and exasperation with his deficient explanations, because he quickly resumed the conversation.

"They think that my lack of bloodlust is the silver lining here. Emmett especially thinks that it's a good time to, well, try to ease our physical boundaries a little."

I blinked, left speechless by the ultimate revelation.

Emmett might have, after all, redeemed himself for all his sins against me, that is, all the teasing and taunting regarding my clumsiness and those god-awful innuendos.

Edward's eyes were regarding me extra cautiously now.

I guess he was expecting some grand reaction from me.

Like… jumping him?

Yet, sadly, as much as I really wanted to explore our physical relationship, there were certain issues that were bothering me.

All this, considering whatever happened this morning, well, _didn't_ happen. Okay?

"Edward," I said with a heavy sigh, momentarily closing my eyes, "it's not that I don't like the suggestion. It's just that… you're not whole. So, who am I going to do all that 'stuff' with?"

I inserted the air quotes for added effect.

It all sounded so off, like we were discussing some weird arrangement, a la _Indecent Proposal_.

Also, why the hell was I suddenly mentioning movies, lately?

A kind of playful glint entered Edward's eyes then, and I knew he was up to something.

"Bella," he murmured suggestively, leaning back into my pillows, "I have a plan."

_Holy_—never mind, because in the next microsecond, I was thrown on my back, with Edward firmly settled on top of me.

His aggressive and frisky attitude suggested that I had Hornyward at my hands.

_Ah…_ now I get it, why he wasn't telling me.

In addition to that, it was also a good time to acknowledge my completely panicked state of mind.

Because with Hornyward, things always led to one and only one thing…

* * *

**Were you able guess which Edward it was****?  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer**: Meyer owns Twilight, I don't... I just amuse myself by dissecting Edward. muahaha!

_**Some of you guess who it was, some were as confused as Bella. Now we all know who it is, so it's obvious to know what comes next. It's Hornyward after all...hehe.  
**_

* * *

_"Bella," he murmured suggestively, leaning back into my pillows, "I have a plan."_

_Holy—never mind, because in the next microsecond, I was thrown on my back, with Edward firmly settled on top of me._

_His aggressive and frisky attitude suggested that I had Hornyward at my hands._

_Ah… now I get it, why he wasn't telling me._

_In addition to that, it was also a good time to acknowledge my completely panicked state of mind._

_Because with Hornyward, things always led to one and only one thing…_

* * *

Now, under usual circumstances, I wouldn't have complained about Edward's forward move, but he had landed me in an awful lot of mess the last time we were close.

I couldn't afford to add to that mess.

Edward uttered a satisfied hum around my jaw as he shifted to place himself more snugly against me.

Oh, and once again, I was cuddling with his erection. I didn't know the basics of greeting a man's manhood, so I just lay still.

Clearly, he was intent acting out his _plan_, about which I now _had_ an idea.

My mental math did a quick work around this already progressing equation.

**Hornyward X Bella + Bed / Charlie sleeping downstairs = TROUBLE**

And that's saying something, because I'm terrible at math.

Regardless, this wasn't a proper time for my math skills lamentation routine.

"Shit, Edward!" I cried, or rather whispered loudly at him. "Not the most suitable time for this… this… whatever this is!"

And while I was complaining, my disobedient legs decided to fix themselves around him. Firmly.

This, of course, severely weakened my argument.

"Shh, just a little bit of—what do you call it—yes! Making out?" he urged, prying my hands away from his shoulders and placing them on either side of me.

"_What?_" I all but squeaked, in a low voice of course.

Surely, only Hornyward could make such an appeal. My united Edward would rather die, I think.

I can't even imagine him saying 'making out.'

That's just so… impolite? Yes, for united Edward it is.

"Bella, I just want to try something, and I don't know if I'll get another chance to do it," he implored, slowly grinding into me. "My intentions are often thwarted by my other parts. Though, I admit, I'm not always noble, but I'm a man, and I wish to be intimately acquainted with the woman I love."

If his actions weren't enough to lull my warning bells, his flowery words nearly did it.

Edward, and only Edward could talk like this, turning everything into poetic verses. Even sex, it seems.

Wait, what _was_ my argument about not letting him have his way this time round?

This dry humping session was damaging my cognitive skills.

"Edward, I-I don't think this proposition of yours… will be liked by others," I reasoned with a weak voice. "Think about the consequences."

Yes, I, Bella Swan, _can_ be the voice of reason.

"Please Bella," he kind of whined, kissing my forehead, "We can explore each other without the added burden of my bloodlust. It won't risk your life. And I don't think that I can ever do again after I'm united, because it will be highly dangerous."

"You mean we can never have sex unless I'm changed?"

Why was I even surprised? It was so damn obvious.

"I'm not asking you to have sex with me!" he argued, pushing away a little, "I mean, it _is_ sex, but I'm not saying that we have to go all the way. Of course, I won't take your virtue away before our marriage is solemnized."

So, I thought then, a little making out can't hurt anyone, eh?

I wasn't really being reckless here, it was just a case of making the best of the given opportunity.

"It would also help us, once we're back together," he urged again, "I'll at least have a little experience then."

"You hardly looked out of experience this morning," I said, fighting a smirk.

"It's the fallout of reading minds, Bella," he replied with his own brand of smirk, much better than mine, of course. "I'm glad that it worked for you. But I'm still a novice, and I need a helping hand here."

His earnest coaxing worked, because I nodded in reply, though I was still quite undecided in my head.

It was strange. What I had been struggling for so long to get from Edward, he was now willing to give me, but now, I was having reservations about it.

Mentally, that is, and that too in a vague, removed kind of manner.

Physically, I was showing no signs of the said reservations, because who doesn't grind back against a gorgeous, well-mannered, and attentive boyfriend?

Especially when he has denied you even the second base for so long…?

How could I resist such a promising offer?

After all, there was every possibility of him going back to his old prude self once he got united.

I think Hornyward feared it too, hence the desperation.

So, was there was a Prudeward as well, hidden somewhere amongst the horde of Edwards?

I didn't get any time to further reflect on the question, because Hornyward was growing more and more aggressive.

Our lips met in a frenzied round of tonsil hockey, and I had to wonder, where were his fears regarding his venom?

Yes, I hadn't _completely_ lost it, a thinking part of my brain was still alive… somewhere.

Though, most of it was concentrating on not making a noise.

Soon, that was nearly dispelled, as Edward removed my Tee in a flash and almost tore through my bra.

"Whoa!" I gasp-whispered, but he didn't let me finish.

In a snap, my bra was unhooked and gone, leaving me exposed to his incessant hands.

"God, it's—it's so difficult to fuh-fricking stay quiet," I stuttered, just about stopping the F-word from slipping out, as shocks after shocks of pleasure emanated from my chest.

His hands were so tender and yet so sensual.

"Bella, so soft, you're like the softest satin, or silk, or simply superior," he prattled, breathing between my breasts while his hands cupped them.

"Th-thank you?" I chanced a reply, and failed.

"You feel simply amazing, I must confess, I can caress and kiss you all day long," Edward continued his liberal praise, teasing my nipples with his fingertips. "It's so frustrating when I'm unable to touch you, to love you like this, owing to my own restrictive sides, which constantly keep me shackled and deprived."

God! Who even needed Romanticward now, when Hornyward was on a ball…

And at least, I now knew that Edward was as much attracted to me as I was to him, that he suffered the same frustrations as I did.

I came to a conclusion that we both needed some sort of relief.

"I know, Edward… it drives me nuts," I admitted, out of breath and out of my dear ole mind.

It was happening again, just like this morning, and I wasn't about to stop it anymore.

One would presume that girls had a better handle over their sexual impulses. I don't know about others, but I certainly didn't have it when it came to Edward.

"I never told you all this before, you needed to know how much you affect me." He looked back at back me, peeking from under his lashes as his fingers brushed against my nipples.

I was tongue-tied, but I replied through my touch, raking my fingers though his crazy bronze hair.

Edward lavished his attentions on my breasts again, with his mouth, that is.

And I was transported back to heaven. Two times in one day, who had thunk?

I was lost to bliss… squirming beneath him, enjoying the feel of his tongue around my nipple, when suddenly, his hand fastened onto my mouth.

Alarmed, I stared into his bewildered eyes.

"Keep your voice down," he warned, tickling my skin with his lip movement.

That was such an unjust demand.

No, not really, if I think about it practically.

Charlie wouldn't appreciate our current position if he happened to wake up, owing to my impressive vocal chords.

I gave him a nod, and he removed his grip on my mouth, replacing it with his lips.

That was so much better…

My self-motivated hands worked to remove his shirt then, which he obligingly did himself.

I bit my lip as he embraced me again, shuddering as our opposing skin temperatures came together.

"Too cold?" he asked, sucking on my earlobe.

I shook my head, but then soon forgot for what I was actually shaking it.

Too soon for my liking, I found myself sinking into the pillows again, without his glorious body around mine.

Unacceptable!

"Edw—" I began complaining, but it died on my lips as soon as realized that my shorts were being removed… along with my panties.

My eyes became like ginormous saucers and my heart sped up, but my body remained limp and frozen.

"Wha… are… you… doin…" I was officially incoherent now, and also very naked.

My shorts and panties lay heaven knows wherever he had thrown them.

A look of unmasked hunger spread over Edward as he appraised me from head to toe.

It was so unlike his bloodthirsty hunger, and yet it was just as raw and untamed.

"Just remain as quiet as you can," he told me, as he dipped his head to kiss my midriff, and then proceeded lower still.

I couldn't do anything else but blush, so red that I must have reached the same shade as a fire engine.

Edward's downward path didn't digress, and I slowly, finally understood where he was going.

I trembled and gasped in sudden trepidation, and made a move to halt him somehow.

First times, be it any kind, make one nervous.

"Do you not want it?" he asked suddenly, owing to my protests. "Shall I stop?"

Now, should I have stopped him?

_Yes,_ because our situation could turn into a really bad one if Charlie woke up.

Did I stop him then?

_No._

"No, but… I don't want Charlie to find out…," I mumbled half-heartedly as my fingers pulled at his hair.

"Then you can keep quiet," he stated firmly, with a wicked gleam in his eyes that I had never seen before.

It was enough to kill my protests.

I swallowed hard as I let go of his hair and fell back onto the mattress.

Slowly, he pulled my legs apart, just as he lithely slipped over my bed's edge.

I lay there, in front of him, exposed and vulnerable under his intent scrutiny.

It felt weird and nerve-wracking and extremely arousing at the same time.

My hands instinctively grabbed the sheets as he closed in, planting a soft kiss between my legs.

"Oh!" I gasped, as crazy electric pulses ran through my body.

Edward shushed me once more, and then proceeded to draw his tongue slowly all around my aroused flesh.

My whole body shook with pleasure, and I had to lodge my fist in my mouth to stop the weird noises coming out of it.

And just when I thought it impossible for the intense pleasure to increase, it did.

Edward's cool tongue shocked my senses, and its frenzied movements nearly choked me with ecstasy, especially when it plunged inside me.

It wasn't easy to maintain the noiselessness

"Fuh—feck—frickin—Edward—Oh!" I grunted around my fist, and then pulled a pillow over my face to stop the noise.

It was a good move, because then Edward inserted his magnificent fingers in me, causing me to quiver and squirm in such a manner that the bed shook along with me.

At long last, I finally saw stars in front of my eyes, as I embraced my mind numbing orgasm.

I moaned and panted into my pillow, hoping it would keep my volume down.

Tiny quakes still registered with me as I slowly relaxed from my intense climax, wheezing out chaotic, embarrassingly loud breaths.

"Should have known you'd come here," Edward's familiar, smooth voice murmured from somewhere.

Wait… Edward was still holding me down there, then why did I hear his voice from the opposite direction?

* * *

**Now, what the hell****, right? Poor Bella, I know. :P  
**


End file.
